The best parenting advice I ever received

In college, I majored in human development and family studies before going on to get my Master’s degree in clinical social work. Through my formal education I did a lot of reading and learning about chid development and parenting. I then went on to have 3 kids of my own and continued my efforts to constantly educate myself on parenting theories, philosophies and strategies. All that to say- I have read a lot of books and done a lot of research on parenting. But the most helpful advice and input I ever got on parenting came, perhaps not surprisingly, from a fellow mom who was just speaking from her own experience. As it turns out, there is a ton of science behind her advice though neither of us knew it at the time.

Words of wisdom

I was deep in what I call the “fox hole” years - three kids under the age of 6, two parent family working three jobs between us. Someone was always sick and every night ended in the same exhausting way: dinner-bath-bed-collapse. It often felt like a desperate crawl across the finish line into our own bed. We were in the heart of the grind and patience was in short supply.

One afternoon I was talking by phone with a good friend and fellow mom while doing dishes and laundry during the kids’ nap time - a classic mom multitasking move killing several birds with one stone. I was lamenting how I was not nearly as patient or as kind as someone who was supposedly an expert on child development should be. I found myself losing my temper and yelling at the kids more than I wanted to admit. My friend laughed and calmly said “oh yeah, I’ve been there”. Then she said “you know what I do?? When I want to kill Nikki, I just look her in the eye. I don’t know why but something about it just stops me in my tracks.”

“It can’t be that simple," I said. She didn’t elaborate. Brimming with wisdom that can only come from experience, she simply said, “Try it. You’ll see."

Putting it into action

It didn’t take long for me to give her advice a try since annoyance and agitation came often and easily those days.

It was a busy morning. My youngest was cranky and needy and my patience was already thin even though the day was just getting started. I was being pulled in several directions, annoyed and stressed. I headed over to her crib in a huff with my bad attitude and annoyance on full display.

I was complaining to myself in my head, huffing and puffing under my breath and basically having my own mini not-so-internal adult temper tantrum. As I approached the crib, my friend’s words popped into my head. “Look her in the eye”. So I did.

I’m not exaggerating when I say that everything changed instantly. Complete disarmament. Everything in me softened. I smiled. She smiled. I could not believe what was happening. I scooped her up and held her tight, relieved that the swelling anger and annoyance I was feeling literally only seconds ago evaporated into thin air. I had no idea why it worked and I didn’t even care. I was just so grateful that it did.

My kids are all grown up now but I used that advice often and I still share it with clients today. But it was only recently with my continued and evolving understanding of the nervous system- and Polyvagal Theory specifically- that I have come to understand why this advice works so well.

Your face and heart are wired together

According to Polyvagal Theory, mammals evolved a dedicated branch of the nervous system specifically wired for social connection — because isolation wasn't just lonely, it was dangerous. Mammals needed to be wired as social creatures to ensure their survival. This system, known as the Social Engagement System, runs through a nerve pathway called the Ventral Vagal circuit, and it is arguably one of the most important systems in the body.

This circuit directly links the heart and lungs to the muscles of the face, including the eyes. They are all part of the same neural circuit (which also includes the middle ear muscles, the larynx and pharynx and the muscles that govern facial expression and turn the head to orient toward others). So when you make genuine eye contact with a young child, you're not just looking at each other. You're activating this entire social engagement system in both of you simultaneously.

When you look into a child's eyes and they look back, your body is quietly doing a lot behind the scenes. It scans their face — the softness of their eyes, their open expression — and registers: this is not a threat. The moment it gets that reading, it starts hitting the brakes on anger and physiological activation. Your heart rate begins to slow, your muscles ease up, and the physical fire of frustration starts losing its fuel. Anger essentially needs a certain level of physical intensity to keep burning, and that genuine moment of eye contact begins draining it away almost automatically.

The state of your nervous system

Your body shifts from an activated state (sympathetic arousal) toward the regulated, connected state of calm and safety (Ventral vagal state). Anger lives in the activated state; eye contact with a vulnerable, non-threatening face is a direct off-ramp from it.

The ventral vagal state of calm isn't neutral — it's the state associated with love, play, curiosity, and caregiving. So it doesn't just eliminate anger; it actively opens the door to affection, because those feelings share the same physiological pathway. You can't fully feel fury and genuine warmth at the same time, and eye contact with a child shifts the balance biochemically to connection and calm.

In practical terms, it's a reset button wired into our biology — which is why experienced parents and therapists often describe it as a near-involuntary softening that happens almost against their will when they truly see the child in front of them.

Doing but not seeing

So often we don’t really SEE our kids in front of us. We are so busy in the doing and the stressing and the multitasking or phone gazing that our eyes literally don’t land much on the faces of those little ones who mean the most to us. When was the last time you just stopped what you were doing and made real eye contact with your child? It has probably been a while.

It works both ways

This “look them in the eye” trick also does wonders when you aren’t mad or upset but your child is.

When your child is upset, their body is in full alarm mode — heart racing, breathing fast, system flooded with stress. Young children don't yet have the brain development to pull themselves out of that state on their own. They need a calm adult to help regulate them. This is called co-regulation, and eye contact is one of the most direct ways it happens.

We all know that logic doesn't work on an upset child. This is because you can't reason someone out of a flooded nervous system. But you can reach them through the body first. Soft eyes, a steady gaze, and a calm presence speak directly to the part of their nervous system that's activated and in alarm.

Once that system gets the "safe" signal through your face and eyes, their heart rate begins to slow, their breathing settles, and only then does the thinking, listening part of their brain come back online.

The connection itself is the cure

Eye contact also tells the child something beyond just "calm down" — it tells them I see you, I'm here, you're not alone. For a young child, feeling seen by a parent is deeply settling in itself. Their nervous system is designed to feel safest in connection because connection is vital to survival. That moment of genuine eye contact triggers a neurobiologicall sense of safety which allows for calm.

Not just for little kids

The teenage brain is in a state of massive rewiring, and during that process teens actually become temporarily more reactive and less able to self-regulate than they were as younger children. Their stress response fires faster and harder, and the part of the brain that pumps the brakes — the prefrontal cortex — is still years from being fully developed. So in many ways, a flooded teenage nervous system isn't that different from a flooded toddler's.

What's also worth understanding is that teenagers are acutely sensitive to being judged or dismissed. So when a parent meets their upset with genuine eye contact and a calm, open expression rather than frustration or lecture, it communicates something profound: I'm not against you, I'm with you. The social engagement system registers that connection and neurobiologically begins to calm down. That alone can begin to dissolve the defensiveness that makes teenage conflict so difficult.

Beyond parenting advice- it works on your partner as well

With a spouse or partner, the same biological wiring is fully at play, but with an added layer of complexity — two fully activated adult nervous systems, both flooded, both running their own threat responses simultaneously. This is why arguments can escalate so fast and feel so personal. When both people are in that state, they're essentially two alarm systems triggering each other in a loop.

Genuine, soft eye contact interrupts that loop. It's hard to sustain the heat of anger while truly looking into the eyes of someone you love, because your nervous system knows that face. It has years of safety, comfort, and connection stored against it. That history doesn't disappear in a fight — it's still there, and eye contact can access it in a way that words often can’t.

Holding eye contact during conflict signals safety and connection. For a partner whose nervous system is in threat mode, that signal can be the difference between an argument that spirals in anger and one that softens towards resolution.

The important caveat with spouses is timing and authenticity. Forced or aggressive eye contact mid-screaming match won't have the same effect. It works best in the moments of pause — when you choose to stop, breathe, and actually look at the person in front of you rather than the problem or the argument. That small act of turning toward them visually is often the first step back toward connection.

Now we know

My friend’s simple, practical advice to “look her in the eye” was so much smarter than either of us understood at the time. Eye contact is one of the primary ways human beings signal safety to each other, regulate each other's nervous systems, and access a neurobiological state of calm. No wonder her advice worked so well. I hope you try it. Let me know how it goes!